Today was one of those bleak days. It's easier to write about hard times when you've moved beyond them. There's always so much riding on perception. And I don't want to give some people the satisfaction of seeing me admit to struggling.
Fact remains that I've written a lot that I haven't gotten paid for in the past few years. I'm in wait-mode for one project right now -- a very extended wait-mode -- and trying to write other things while I wait. But it's difficult to not get discouraged.
Meanwhile, the last steady job I had ended in mid-February. A shorter gig on a television pilot got aborted before I could start. The break from a regular 9-5 gig has been helpful -- because that last gig took a unique toll -- but it's not easy making ends meet when you're scraping by on the dole. And these accounting gigs were just meant to help supplement the screenwriting gigs.
Then today, my desktop computer dies. So now I've got to deal with the expense and logistics of replacing it; and I can't really afford it right now but it's not a frivolous expense. Then this afternoon, my dad calls. Hadn't spoken to him in months. So we have one of our typical, awkward conversations. And I'm trying to avoid letting him know how much I'm struggling. I'd just like to prove to my old man that I can make it on this path I've chosen -- and he catches me on this particularly bleak day so I'm trying to not let him hear the panic in my voice. (But if he had any skill at reading social cues, we'd probably have a better relationship.)
Adding to the anxiety, I'm left to deal with trying to find someone to sublet my roommate's room since he's decided to extend his travels and our original replacement is leaving at the end of this month. A lot of responses from the Craigslist ad but a lot of people flaking out, as well.
One of the worst feelings in the world is getting to a certain age and starting to lose confidence in a career path -- a dream you've pursued since childhood. Because you take that away from me and there is literally nothing left. I've sacrificed everything. Nothing left to take solace in. Sometimes, it feels like there's no one I can talk to. No one has any idea what to say to me to talk me down off the ledge.
Well, it had to happen eventually. My desktop computer bricked out sometime Saturday night. Brought it to a shop for a free estimate Sunday: the motherboard was fried. The guy didn't recommend the expense of replacing it. It's great how things seem to break down when I can least afford to replace them.
I've got my little writing netbook to keep me online for now. Replacement computer should arrive sometime next week, and then I can begin the process of restoring files. Hopefully that will go smoothly enough. My abilities will be a bit hobbled till then.
There was good in it. There was sooo much that was dreadful — unnecessarily dreadful! — but there was a core that worked. And every so often, an episode might remind me what the show was capable of being.
For those interested, TV GUIDE ran an interesting multi-part article chronicling the history of the show:
Todd White is some guy who goes around performing "street healing" like he's David Blaine.
The most obnoxious part of this video happens around three minutes in. This Asian girl says she believes in evolution but she believes that *God* started evolution for a reason -- because there has to be scientific evidence for everything.
This becomes a challenge for Todd White. He proceeds to heal a back problem she claims to have because her legs are uneven. Grabs her legs and spouts off a lot of Abracadabra-Jesus blather... we *see* nothing, of course. We're just expected to believe she's been healed. Then he leans toward her and lays out his finishing blow:
"Now, you do me a favor. Can you scientifically explain what just happened?"
"Because... it's a miracle...?"
[Girl starts crying]
"Jesus loves you so much!"
So, it's not enough that she SAYS she believes in God while also studying science. He has to make her renounce science. This goofy, Adam-Durwitz-looking motherfucker needs to make her say that science cannot explain the Jesus-magic he just used on her to fix her gimpy leg.
Of course, science CAN explain what he did. It's the power of suggestion.
I understand it. He's exploiting street-magic type theatricality in order to inspire people and get them swayed toward his religion. But it's crazy bullshit.
Anyway, it may not be a thing. I may just be picking on a super-fringe entity.